I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

"So my friend, how is your walk with Christ ?" asked Elder Lee. "GOOD ! Not Bad !" - those were the options to cut the conversation short, but instead I said, "Being born in a Christian family and being one by default has it's perks and yeah it isn't easy." Before he could start replying my answer, I've reached my stop and we said our goodbyes. 

A few weeks back, I was doing my routine trips to my uni and was standing next to a missionary in the tram. He kept looking at me, waiting for the right time to share the gospel. Hahha, once I had eye contact with him, the young Chinese chap muttered: "How are you ? Name's Elder". After the usual formalities, I told him that I was a Christian and I'm already attending the church in Melbourne Central, just to reduce his effort of sharing the good news with me. Fast forward to the part where he ask how's my christian life. Well that's exactly how I feel right now with regards to my Christian life, not going up nor going down, Stagnant. In fact, there are some parts doubting my own faith. 

You see, being born in a Christian family and receiving the good news since young has made me kinda numb to Christianity. Furthermore, unlike some of the church members, I'm a rebellious and lets say a curious soul who wants to know more rather than just accepting the truth. But lately, through out all the CGs, and Sunday school classes, I realize is it really that good being a Christian ? For example, just the other day in CG, I suddenly got really fed up with the fact that during the old testament, we gentiles were all condemned to death and life in eternal hell. I mean, WHATS UP WITH THAT ?! Why would God create us and just protect the Jews but destroy all others, are we not HIS children ? If so, why create us or rather why put the tree of knowledge and eternity in the garden in the first place. Well, I guess one possible explanation is JUST BECAUSE HE CAN ? (from "Prometheus"), which is pretty depressing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still 100% grateful and I guess by His Grace we were all given a second chance to live eternally. It just all these little thoughts are putting questions and doubts in my little human mind. Ever since I was a kid, I was spoon-fed with all the christian stories and how wonderful our God is. But here's the problem, like many who are the same like me, we have not personally experience the wonderful Love of God, or rather are still yearning for more. It's pretty simple: How can we appreciate the significance of light with the absence of darkness ? I really admire those new Christians, who are so recharged and so strong in faith, probably cause they have experience the light ? I don't know. 

So, here's the big question and let this be my prayer as well. Can we truly appreciate light if we are in a brightly lit room or must we venture out to the darkness...Hear my prayer O Lord and guide me. Amen. 

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls, these city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

 I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one, Bleed into one
Well yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for